Day 18

Ok, not to be a broken record or anything, but today was a great day as well!!!

We went back to Solstice today.....you know, the hike that KICKED MY ASS last week... the one on which I cried, no sobbed, when I got to the bottom because I didn't feel I did as great as I SHOULD have.

Well, today I killed it on this hike...  this is the hike that is straight UP for about 1/2 hour right off the bat. It's brutally steep and not really that fun! 2 weeks ago, it took me about 35-40 minutes to make it to the top, last week, it took me about 30 minutes, and today it took me 18 minutes! EIGHTEEN! Never stopped once and felt healthy (aka not huffing and puffing) and strong. Amazing. I even did the bonus hill just because I knew it would feel good!

Up until today, I was still feeling that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when I woke up - not knowing what hike we'd be doing, and then feeling anxiety when the hiking coordinator announced where my van would be going. When she said *Solstice* this morning, my first feeling was fear. But I was also sort of looking forward to revisiting where I'd had my little breakdown last week and proving that I HAVE progressed. After today, FINALLY, I don't feel any anxiety about where we hike tomorrow, because I know I can do it, and do it really well!

I say goodbye to that fear and anxiety I've been feeling, and am hopeful that I will be able to cross this over to other areas of my life where I let my fear hold me back!

Still not doing any kind of running, but so far my knee is fine while hiking and walking.... and my knee LOVES the pool!

And as for the pool, I received another compliment today... someone said to me after we'd finished a relay race, *wow - you're so fast - you must be a swimmer*. My answer was *no... well, I USED to swim but that was in my teens*. It strikes me that there are a lot of attributes and skills that I am being complimented on here for things that I have not done for many many MANY years. I think of myself as an athlete and swimmer in almost a whole different life - I USED TO BE THESE THINGS, but it was so long ago, and even then I don't think I ever believed in my potential. But it seems these attributes are making an appearance this week. I feel so STRONG and in my element in the pool, and it seems to come very naturally to me. Someone called me *fish* today! This doesn't really surprise me, because I know my Mom and her family were strong swimmers, although I never really SAW Mom swim as she never got into a bathing suit! But I heard all the time what an amazing athlete and swimmer she was. It makes me think that these skills and attributes are a real part of me. A part that I've either been hiding or not wanting to even think about because I just haven't felt comfortable in my own skin for so long or just didn't want to believe in my strengths.

It feels good to get back in touch with these things that obviously make up who I am. It feels a bit weird, too, because I'm questioning myself in different ways these days. Am I an *athlete*? Am I a *swimmer*? What does this mean for me?! It does help me out though, as I think about my identity and who I want to be :)

Night!
Leslie xo