A month of ups and downs.....

I've been home for FOUR WEEKS!! And wow – these last couple of weeks have been a time of great learning and illumination for me. I feel REALLY REALLY good… like a newer improved version of me… or like the real me that’s been clambering to unzip the fat coat and free herself has finally started emerging! I’ve been receiving compliments on how good I look… and I haven’t really lost any more weight since being home (which I’m absolutely fine with), but I know I LOOK better…. I’ve heard *glowing*, *radiant*, *happy*…. all amazing adjectives, especially since I honestly feel all of these things. I felt them while at the Biggest Loser Resort, and then lost them for a couple of weeks once home, but the feelings are back, and if possible, I’m feeling even better than I did while away because I’m proving to myself that what I learned while in the *bubble* I am able to actually implement here in the real world. I even SOUND different… to others and to my own ears. Happy is coming through in my voice… and I can’t remember the last time I heard it - authentically anyway! The past month has been difficult, overwhelming, disappointing, frustrating and confusing, but it has also been full of revelation, hope, love, pride and understanding.

The biggest thing I’ve learned about myself is that I KNOW that all this IS doable and that I AM going to do what I need to do to live my best life… (oh Oprah, I wish you hadn’t coined this phrase – I feel so hokey when I write it, but it just describes what I want to do so perfectly!!). Gone is the helplessness and hopelessness I felt in those first weeks back (and the feeling that we just wasted a whole lot of money!). I am feeling really powerful, or empowered, or positive, or optimistic… whatever you want to call it. I also know that this is a PROCESS and will not happen overnight, but slowly but surely I am seeing positive results of my efforts, and I am feeling excited.

Not to say that everything is going perfectly or to plan…. and I definitely don’t want people to think everything is all rosy over here, because it’s not (just ask Marius!) :)  And I’m trying not to even plan that much… I’m just trying to be present in my day and life and being aware of the choices I’m making. I’ve done away with a lot of my list-making and as a result, I’m feeling a lot less overwhelmed and anxious and stressed about what I’m NOT achieving everyday :) I believe I’m still worried about disappointing people (this is a deep-rooted feeling and is a hard one to overcome), and I think have avoided posting here because of that, but I know that I really do have to get over it. I’ve actually been writing a lot (but not posting) but trying to listen to myself and not push it…. if I don’t feel like posting, then that’s OK… but I do want to make time for it….and I’m sure I will.

So, I feel REALLY good about a lot of the areas I’m working on. The big ones are:

• food and eating
• improving my fitness level
• my relationship with Marius
• being present with the kids
• finding balance
• changing how I talk to myself

I feel I’ve been making great headway on most of these…. the biggest and most difficult is obviously and definitely going to be the eating, but I’m seeing a great therapist who specializes in eating disorders, and I can feel it helping. So I’m hoping that by putting tools in place to set myself up for success, and by dealing with all the other areas I want to improve on, that I WILL be able to change how I deal with food. I know changing my eating habits will happen more slowly, but it WILL happen. Things are improving already, and I’m just trying to be patient and not expect my disordered eating to improve overnight.

I'm not sure if I'll continue to post here. I know I *should* because it's a way to keep myself accountable.... I guess we'll have to see!