I was talking to one of my favourite people :) the other night, and had a little epiphany.... she was telling me how wonderful I was and how everyone loved me (thank you!) and I know that's how people feel about me, but that's because I think I present the nicest, best part of me to the rest of the world. Deep down, I know that that nice person is who I feel I REALLY am, but it's not the person that I see on a day to day, hour to hour basis, and I know Marius will attest that it's definitely not the person he experiences everyday!
I realize that I give the best of me away. I shower friends and family with love and kindness and gentleness, always wanting to ensure people feel at ease, comfortable, happy, having a good laugh when they're with me... but I don't do the same to myself. I seem to have decided that other people deserve these things, but not me. My kids get this nice person too, but of course I can't keep it up all the time, so they see glimpses of a miserable person – the one who shows her face when tired, grumpy, hungry, hating herself. Marius knows the unhappy me quite well and truth be told, I hardly ever shower him with love and kindness! Fortunately for me, he promised to love me no matter what :) but I realize it's not so fun to live with me at the moment, so although I want to get better for myself, I know it can only mean good things for him and our relationship. He's the person who has to bear the brunt of my bad moods and so it stands to reason that he's fully behind anything that would help me feel happy!
I know I am overly hard on myself. I always admit that I'd never treat someone the way I treat myself. I'd NEVER say mean things to my children or my friends, or anybody really, so I'm not sure why I think it's OK to say them to myself.
I think I have figured part of this out – I think my bad mood and my negative thoughts have become a habit and something I've just come to tolerate - and I plan to write a whole post on why this is. In the meantime it's been interesting to at least NOTICE how I act, and I'm working on bringing out that nice inner woman and seeing her more often, both around the house, and inside my head!