Before I begin my spiel – thank you all SOOO much for your emails and comments. I really am so lucky to have such supportive people in my life!So as I was saying as I ended my last post: Here I am. Trying to figure it all out. Actually trying to figure out HOW I'm going to figure it all out!
I know how I want to feel
I know how I want to eat
I know I want to be active
I know I want to an active participant in my life AND my kids' lives
I know I want to be a good role model
I know I need to make my health a priority
Obviously I KNOW a lot of things.... I must be VERY wise :). But knowing isn't doing, and it's the doing part and following through that trips me up every time. Oh I make lists. I make lists that cross-reference other lists. I have spreadsheets. I have word documents that outline what I want to eat and why. I have books. I've tried many diets. I have inspirational quotes. I read success stories and blogs by other people who have been successful losing weight and feel very inspired. I know a LOT. I consider myself quite educated in the field of weight loss, in fact I probably have a PhD! But it hasn't helped. I have the best intentions and have started - and *failed* - more times than I can count. I sabotage my efforts every time, and no one's more frustrated with me than me.
What I've come to realize or admit is that because I've tried and *failed* so many times, there's a part of me that just doesn't believe I can do it. That part of me, or inner voice, has been there for as long as I can remember – always telling me I wasn't good enough, but over the years I've allowed that voice to become louder, and now it's a very negative and very powerful voice in my head. And unfortunately I tend to listen to it. A LOT. Somewhere deep down, I DO believe in myself, I DO believe I'm worth it and I DO believe I deserve it, but my actions seem to be constantly proving the negative voice inside that it's right - that I can't. So I need to make my REAL and TRUE voice louder and the voice of authority.
Along the way I also lost touch with me and what I want. This started long before becoming a mother, but having kids spurred this along and gave me a great excuse not to deal with my issues. I've had a baby in the house for basically 6 years and it's been a great distraction! As most mothers do, I've made my kids THE top priority and convinced myself that they are what's most important, choosing not to acknowledge that they'd probably like to have me around for a long time MORE than they need me making sure everything in THEIR life is perfect. Taking care of them has been a convenient distraction and an easy excuse as to why I didn't take care of myself. I now need to figure out what I want, what makes ME happy, and who I want to be. Being a Mom, even if I'm a great one, isn't enough. I've been so lucky not to HAVE to work outside of the house these past 6 years (maybe if I had, I wouldn't feel so out of touch with myself?), but these little munchkins are already starting the separation from mommy and I'm the one with the separation anxiety.....and mostly because I'm not sure who I am or what I am without them!
So I need to reconnect with me. I need to bring out that inner voice and make her strong again. I need to prove that I'm strong and capable and worth it. And to do this, I'm doing the unthinkable! I am choosing, with the full support of my hubby:
To go away. For a month. By myself. To a fitness resort. In Malibu.
For those of you who didn't know, please pick your jaw up off the floor.
Seems selfish? yes. Seems indulgent? yes. Seems it would be hard to leave my kids for that long. HELL YES! Do I need to do it?
Yes, I do.
I will have a whole month to focus on myself. There will be no kids to distract me, no excuse that I don't have time today - that I'll start thinking and doing *tomorrow* (a tomorrow that never comes by the way). All I'll be doing is eating (calorie-controlled meals so I don't have to make ANY decisions in that area and can stop obsessing), working out (basically ALL day) and sleeping (a LOT!). And thinking. I'll be doing a lot of thinking.
Thankfully I have a wonderfully supportive husband who is going to take the month off AND is going to even babysit the kids I currently look after most afternoons. We have decided that NOW is the perfect time for this and although expensive, we see it as an investment in my emotional, mental and physical health. Which will impact EVERYTHING. In a good way. I really do consider this a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm jumping on it.
I leave February 13th.
Obviously there are few questions and concerns associated with this plan - how can I leave my kids? what will people think? how can we afford this? And as I'm sure you can imagine, I wrestled with the decision. But I chose not to for long. 2 days after Marius suggested this might be good thing, and I opened my mind to the possibilities, I went ahead and booked it before I could talk myself out of it!
I know the biggest hurdle will be transitioning back to my life. Obviously I won't be able to work out 7 hours a day once I'm home and I'll have to make lots of decisions about food. How will I NOT come home and fall back into the same bad habits? But I'm not going to live in those moments of fear. I'm hoping that this adventure will jumpstart a new lifestyle and mindset, and that I'll create a momentum that I'll WANT to continue to move forward once I'm home. I just know that I can't seem to make myself a priority and pull myself out of my unhealthy physical and emotional habits while I'm IN my so-called chaotic life.
So I hope you'll join me on this adventure! I plan to write WHILE at the resort to continue my *writing therapy* and to share my experiences! In the meantime I'm going to write out as much *stuff* as I can here in blogland before I go.
In case you're wondering, I'm going to The Biggest Loser Ranch at Fitness Ridge. Yes, just like the TV show, and no, I won't be on TV – I'm not THAT crazy!!