Thursday, March 31, 2011

Doing away with the *bubble* and living in reality!!

Ok people, time to get down to business…. I’ve been MIA too long and I’m ready to get back to writing!! Today is my birthday, and posting this is my birthday present to myself :)

Soooo…. last time I posted, I was.... how did I put it? OVERWHELMED? Yeah. That. Feeling overwhelmed soon turned into feeling like this whole thing was impossible. Felt like there was no way I was going to be able to fit the new me into my old environment and I could feel, hear and see all the old sinister habits sneaking their way back into my life and I felt helpless to stop them. It was NOT a fun first 2 weeks home. 

But here I am, home for 17 days (feels like 50) and I'm feeling like I’m in a much better place. I have been avoiding posting, I think, because I felt I’ve had nothing positive or uplifting to say, and some of the things I’ve been dealing with since home are private, and I didn’t feel like dancing around them here in blogland. Without going into details, some of these things revolve around my relationship with Marius, something I never really thought was a factor in all this, but discovered or realized once back here that it actually was having a profound impact on me being not feeling able to move forward and find a new *normal*. I soon realized that I need him to be on the same page as me and be able to roll with the punches as I try to figure things out. There's been a lot of changes, and it’s been rough, but it’s also been a really positive time. I’m now all about being honest about how I’m feeling, and I haven’t been holding back in this area (lucky him!), and so he and I have talked about US and discussed our feelings more in the last week or so than we have in our whole 11 years of being together. So it’s been hard….more so for him than me, as he’s just trying to keep up with my ever changing needs and light bulb moments these days – but it’s also been good. The goal is to move toward a better relationship, and with that in our sights, I’m hoping things can only get even better for us.

So besides all THAT, here’s what else is going on….

I have started exercising again…. and what a difference this has made!! When I returned home and wasn’t able to keep up that momentum (because of my knees), I felt deflated and derailed. In my mind, the exercise part of my *plan* for coming home was a tangible way to continue feeling the same physical empowerment I felt while I was at the ranch, and without it I felt, ohhhh, I guess *HELPLESS* describes it pretty well! Last Friday I'd had enough and I marched into the new gym I was always going to join once home and just signed up. I've been 4 times in the past 6 days and so far it’s been fantastic. The strangest thing is that my knees stopped hurting THAT DAY - the day before, they were still really bothering me, but they felt fine after I jumped around and did squats and lunges for 45 minutes. Go figure.

So anyway, the gym I’ve joined isn’t the traditional kind... you can’t just go and workout on a machine… instead it’s based on the way professional athletes train. It's basically personal training in a class format. You warm up with 2 or 3 minutes of cardio (like jumping jacks, or mountain climbers or running in place with high knees – doesn’t sound like much but 3 minutes can feel like a VERY long time!) to get your heart rate up and then you do a circuit of about 10 stations for 45 seconds each….all based on body weight and plyometrics, then you rest for a minute, do 2 more minutes of cardio and then the circuit again, and then you repeat the whole thing one more time (3 times in all). There's 3 trainers at all times helping and encouraging you on, no class is ever the same as they switch up the exercises every class, and I'm really enjoying it. I’m there for 45 minutes, work my ass off, sweat like a maniac and burn a heck of a lot of calories. It’s only 5 minutes from home and I joined on a 10 week program where they are tracking my progress – so it sort of feel like it’s an extension of what I was doing at the ranch… definitely not in terms of how long I’m working out everyday, but definitely in terms of intensity and how great I feel after.

I’ve also started to see a new therapist who specializes in eating disorders – met with her yesterday and she seems great. Once I filled her in on what’s going on (which basically took the whole hour!), she was able to tell me that I’ve already done a lot of work figuring out WHY I do the things I do and how I got to this *place*, but I still need help figuring out my new normal, how to find balance, and how to practically overcome my addiction. BINGO! So we’ll see how it goes, but it definitely felt great to talk to her and it also felt great to hear myself talk and realize how much I DO know about how I got here and what I still need to do.

So things are looking up. I’m both excited and anxious, and feel like I’m in a very vulnerable place, but also a very powerful place. I know I can’t go back to where I was or who I was before I went away (and nor do I want to!), and I can’t stay where I am, as I’m definitely in a tough transitional place, so the only option is to move forward…. it’s scary and I know it may get harder before it gets better, but I really do believe that it’s possible, and I will conquer this. I just have to be patient, give myself a break, and keep making little decisions every day that move me closer to my ultimate goal: to be healthy and be an active participant in both my life and my kids’ lives.

So I guess that somewhat sums up where I'm at! As always, thanks for all the AMAZING and continual support, thanks for waiting patiently for me to start posting again, and I’ll see you here again soon!



  1. Please don't wait to post until you have something positive to say....Some of us would never write if we waited for that :) Use your "fans" to help lift you up, even carry you sometimes. Let me know about the recipes you have tried.

  2. Ditto on what Shelli said! ... Plus, I have faith in that you'll successfully make it to the other *side* of your transitional phase. ...... All I can think of to say, is something from John's class.... the only way to conquer something is to work THRU it (or something like that). It sounds like what you're going through right now is exactly that.... working through it.



  3. I imagine it will take a while to get used to being home. Life isn't always kittens and rainbows you know :) We all have days where things are just crummy, you take the good with the bad :) xo

  4. Sending you love and hugs, you, M, and the you ALL work through this to a new happy place. :) You are DETERMINED and while you might feel deflated at times, you've got that DETERMINATION in your blood! I just know it. Your new exercise program sounds fantastic! xoxo Love you!

  5. Hi Les, It takes a lot of courage to open up and share again, well done! You are in a vulnerable place at this time, but please know that you have friends and family that are there for you in both good and not so good times. Believe in yourself Les.. you can do it!!!
    love and xo Sue
    PS your exercise program sounds great!


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