Well, there's no point in sugar-coating it - so far it hasn't been pretty here on the *outside*.... I've been feeling extremely overwhelmed and am fighting the negative self-talk at every turn.
But let's go back a couple of days shall we..... I had a great overnight visit in Vancouver on Sunday... visited cousins, aunts, an uncle and my grandmother all in a 4 hour shot - always feel like my visits in Vancouver are whirlwind-ish! I was at the airport by 7:30am on Monday morning and spent the entire day on one WestJet flight.... enduring 2 stops along the way in Kelowna and Toronto (I didn't get off) and was best friends with the back flight attendant by the end of it!
It was absolutely wonderful to see my husband and kids... and my dad, stepmom and friend Erin and her daughter, Chloe, were at the airport to greet me too - so it was quite the homecoming! It was hugs and kisses all around and it was great to tuck the kids in that evening and just hang out on the couch with M. I decided to take it easy on Tuesday and just spend it hanging out with the kids - didn't even go online. I'm definitely right back in the thick of being a Mommy - even more so because the kids are on March break this week, and so home ALL day and I'm up to my eyeballs in books, puzzles, Dora and My Little Pony. It sort of feels like I was never away.... feels like those 4 weeks were a dream!
So - overwhelmed. Yeah. I can't seem to find a balance here. There's so much to do.....and I'm trying to not go back to my usual MO where I feel everything NEEDS to be done, and instead I'm trying to concentrate on what I WANT to be doing. I'm really trying to focus on what it is important to me this week and ignore the pull of domestic chores and the need to get EVERYTHING done NOW. So... these are the things I want to do: I want to spend time reflecting on myself, I want to firm up my goals, I want to plan and track my food, I want to exercise... all important stuff, but I'm feeling the pull of being back in this environment with all the usual triggers that used to send me wandering over to the fridge just wanting to snack... or over to the pantry looking for something to distract me from feeling stressed and unproductive.
My knees continued to hurt once home which has been disheartening, and I know it has contributed to feeling down and a tad deflated. I had hoped to jump into an exercise regime this week, but have had to postpone that plan. Fortunately, they do feel a lot better today, so I'm going to stick to my plan to rest them for the next couple of days and will start going to the gym on Monday. Again, trying to avoid that *if I'm not doing it perfectly, I may as well not do it all* mentality.
Eating has been OK. Not stellar, not horrendous... I've come to realize I can't have anything in the house that's going to tempt me (especially in my current mood) - it just SUCKS not to be able to trust myself. I hate that I feel so out of control and that I still don't feel able to rise above the cravings and emotional pull to food. I KNOW I've worked through a lot and I do feel I have a lot more insight into what's going on inside, but I guess I'm feeling disappointed that I'm not as far ahead as I had hoped I would be. I know I'm in a *transition* period, and most of what I'm going through is probably quite normal - I knew it would be anti-climatic coming home - but I definitely need to work hard to be positive through this week, and perhaps next week, and resist being pulled down.
Anyway, I apologize for this rather depressing post! But I have to be real... and honestly I was avoiding even coming here to write as I feel once again that I'm disappointing people. But this is where I get to SEE what I'm thinking, and it's always interesting and sometimes therapeutic to read back what I've written. I told you in my first post that it wouldn't always be pretty here in blogland... hopefully it's all just part of the process and better times are still to come :)
Thanks for listening!