Day 25

DAY TWENTY-FIVE! I can't believe it!!

So..... working out... yeah, I'm not doing much of it! But I'm totally fine with that... it's been so beautiful here and I've been taking all this extra time to write out a bunch of stuff.... my goals for when I get home, my nutrition plan, identifying the hurdles and speed bumps I know I'll encounter when I get home and how I plan to deal with them... just a lot of introspective stuff.  So I'm treating these last few days here as a mini-vacation.... just sitting around in the sun and focusing on me... it's a treat!

Tonight I had a session with the life coach and we firmed up my goals and plans for returning home.... and she was impressed with how much I'd changed from our first meeting... she's pretty confident I'm going to do fine, so I'll go with that! I do feel very at peace about where I'm at and am excited to get home and start putting some plans into action :)

So... just wanted to write about something I've come to realize about myself.... it's something I've always been aware of, but never really delved into WHY I do it..... I think I do know why now, and so why not write about it!

It's my need for attention. I'm always looking for validation.... from everyone. I WANT to be noticed, I want to impress people.... in fact I like to be *discovered* doing something impressive, and have actually set myself up in a situation hoping to impress someone..... sounds silly as I write it, but I DO IT. Like the other day, I didn't go on the hike, and so decided to do my own little workout in the aerobics room... I set out my mat, a physio ball, my stretching strap, and put on some music... and then started my exercises. I set myself up in front of the door so that anyone walking by would see me.... and I found myself hoping someone would see me at any moment, and be impressed I was in there by myself working out, and even hoping they'd be impressed with my music selection..... SOOO ridiculous! And what's more ridiculous is that even if someone WERE to come in and exclaim *WOW, you're amazing - look at you exercising without being told to.... I am SO IMPRESSED*, I wouldn't be able to accept it or believe it. Because even though I want people to notice me, I don't know how to take a compliment. I feel uncomfortable being the centre of attention, and I always greet a compliment with a *thanks, but.....* and downplay whatever they complimented me on.

Soooooo, the *why*.......I believe this all comes down to me being kinda desperate for external validation because I don't give any to myself. I've looked to others to find me wonderful because I've had such a low opinion of myself. And I think that's why I can't take a compliment gracefully, because what other people think of me doesn't mesh with how I feel about myself, so I just can't take it at face value...for me there's always a *but*. It feels awfully immature and sad. And I'm going to really try to not do it anymore. Not to care SO MUCH about what other people may think about me. That the only opinion I should be caring about is mine and I should be more aware of how I talk to and treat myself, that I don't really need to impress anyone but me.

Reading this over, it all sounds so silly.... but it's been part of who I was and what I did to make myself feel validated for a long time. But no longer. One of my goals is to continue to figure out who I am, what I like, who I want to be...... to identify my authentic self without relying on anything external to influence and lead my thinking.

OK, that's it for the brain dump! Night!
Leslie xo