Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 11

So I'm taking stock of how I'm FEELING today....

PHYSICALLY....I am feeling:
  • tired - but GOOD tired.... physically tired and not emotionally/mentally drained tired
  • strong... I always considered myself strong physically, but these 2 weeks have proved it - and I just keep getting stronger!
  • fit.... I feel more and more FIT everyday... I can hike faster and longer before feeling exhausted and I am running faster everyday. My legs no longer hurt (although I do stiffen up between workouts) from overuse and I can feel my heart getting stronger - I don't run out of breath as quickly and I recover from over-exertion quicker than 2 weeks ago.
  • healthy.... I feel like I've gotten rid of a lot of toxins and crap that was being stored in my muscles and I know as I lose fat that there's a lot of toxins being released there too. I can feel that my blood sugar is level and consistent and I feel comfortably full after eating and nice and comfortably hungry when I sit down to eat. I DO still have cravings, but I know these are more emotional/habitual cravings than physical ones.... I know this because I know from experience when I am OFF sugar, that my physical cravings really do go away. I really don't ever feel physically hungry here.... my body is really responding to this healthy diet and is doing great with the number of calories I'm eating.
Most of the above points go hand in hand with my emotional well-being, because really, they are SO intertwined... at least for me! So.....

EMOTIONALLY... I am feeling:
  • for the most part, happy. I don't really like to use that word, because what does it really mean?! Maybe content is a better word. I am happy to be able to have this time to really focus on me, while feeling no stress or anxiety. Just happy to be able to experience what I'm experiencing
  • a lot more connected (thanks, Lori!) to myself and although I know there's still work to be done, I feel a lot more in tune to my thought process - both positive and negative.
  • confident.... I'm growing more and more confident in both my physical abilities and personal strengths and potential.
  • cravings still. As mentioned above, I KNOW these are emotional and habitual cravings instead of physical ones... and really, I don't really believe they are even emotionally related here, as I feel pretty good about myself.  But they are definitely habitual. I only get them at night once I'm alone in my room, and it's something about it being the end of the day and *my turn* - which as I've mentioned before has evolved into equating to *my time to eat*... my *fun time*!!! These are the cravings I will definitely need to address once home.
  • a little nervous about the work I still have to do on myself emotionally, but that's really what the next 2 weeks are for. I sort of feel like these first 2 weeks were more about challenging myself physically and proving that I can push myself beyond what I thought I'd be able to do. I feel really confident in that area and know I'll excel at the physical part by the time I leave here, but there's a lot of personal/emotional/mental work to still do, so I'll be trying to use my free time (which I actually have quite a lot of these 3 last weeks) to work on ME. I have an appointment with the life coach/counselor tomorrow morning and am hoping that will help spur me along in this department!
So really, all is good and how it should be. I had a great hike today... supposed to be one of the harder ones, and I did well. Meaning I was able to keep up (albeit in the back, but I've LET GO of that and got over myself already!) and I felt really strong on it.... tomorrow I believe we're doing the most challenging hike you can do here. I've done half of it before (Zuma - the 2 1/2 miles UPHILL with a 1200 foot elevation gain), but tomorrow we will continue going up and will be picked up on the other side by a second van. So basically, it's 7 miles uphill. I'm feeling positive about it though, and it will be a great way to end my 2nd week.

OK, so one more thing I want to delve into here before I'm off to's something I've really tried to be conscious of while I'm here, and that is how much I WORRY. I seem to worry about a lot of things.... and most of those things are things I have absolutely not control over, and even if I DO have control over them, I still worry about them, and I'm tired of expending unnecessary energy on this!!! I worry about... oh God, so much....being late, whether people will like me, whether there will be a seat with my friends at meals, whether I'm holding up the group, whether I'll get to the airport on time, whether whether whether, if if if, worry worry worry... and it causes me a lot of anxiety. I seem to always be trying to project into the future and control what MAY happen... and then worry about future events which may not even occur, and of course beat myself up over what I was NOT able to control or foresee. I was reading an Oprah magazine on the plane out here, and one of the questions in the article I was reading was *Why Worry?* And beneath it was written

"These 2 words, considered sincerely, can radically reconfigure the landscape of your mind. Worry rarely leads to positive action; it's just painful, useless fear about hypothetical events, which scuttles happiness rather than ensuring it. Some psychologists say that by focusing on gratitude, we can shut down the part of the brain that worries. It actually works!"

This really struck me....I'm realizing I *live* in fear a lot. Of what MAY happen, of what MAY not happen, and I really do try to control uncontrollable things. Like what people may think of me, for instance. If I know I'm a good, nice person, why worry about how other people might judge me or think about me? Why does this matter so much? I can only control how I act, not how other people might react to those actions.

I'm also realizing that this goes part and parcel with *living in the moment*, which is almost impossible when you're focused on or worried about the future. When I hiked today, I really tried to concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other and not look up to where I was going, as this usually leads to a moment of panic or a negative thought where I decide in my mind that it looks *TOO FAR* or my old standby *I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO DO IT*. It's amazing how fast and easy that uphill climb was today when I just concentrated on each step and not where I was going. Deep stuff, huh?!!!

So to close, I'm including this quote (thanks, Mika!):
"If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It's very important to be aware of them every time they come up."--Deepak Chopra

Now THIS is how I'd like to live my life!!!

(Sorry - no pictures today as I forgot my camera battery in my room - arggg!!!)

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